Cowboy Confessional

I had a disturbing revelation over coffee. This is more common that I make it sound, because instant caffeine awakenings are summarily disturbing. Today was a bit different though.

I was contemplating the the fate of Gillian Gibbons, a British teacher who volunteered to educate kids in Sudan, a place rightly known as Mother Earth’s Rectum. Islamic fanatics are calling for Gibbons to be killed because of the false claim that she insulted the alleged prophet Mohammad (she let her students name a teddy bear after their messenger). In other words, killing an otherwise innocent — if not noble — person was justified because Mohamed was “dissed”, the current colloquial for “disrespected.”

Assassination over affronts is of course absurd, unless you are in either a radicalized jihadist hell hole, or a resident of an American inner city. Apparently some local subcultures have the same attitude as Islamic extremists. They merely apply the theory to themselves instead of the founders of religions.

Google the phrase “shot disrespect” and you will find many instances where thugs and thug wannabes blasted another human for the sin of badmouthing. This sickness has grown the the point of social incluturation, as evidenced by the lyrics of certain rap songs (does “rap” stand for “Really Awful Poetry”?). The social acceptance of homicide over trivial matters is now actively encouraged …

In the Sudan, in Oakland, in Tora Bora, in South Central, …

It is time to declare that inner city thuggery is domestic terrorism, and take the same actions as we have overseas. The surge worked in driving terrorists out of Iraqi hot spots, and making the place as livable as it can be. Big city Mayors should execute their own surges and send gangstas to the same destination.

Bookmark to:

I love stand-up comedy. Why this ex-cowboy enjoys that form of entertainment is still a mystery. I suspect it is the only pastime that reinforces my cynical nature.

In the current crop of stand-up funnymen, nobody is more side splitting hilarious that Osama bin Laden. Now one normally doesn’t equate international terrorism with humor, but when bin Laden writes a fatwa, releases an audio tape, or produces a video … well I drop whatever I’m doing because a solid belly laugh is guaranteed.

He delivered once again, providing Al-Jazeera, Al Qaeda’s tactical PR wing, an audio tape that again provides yucks aplenty.

He begins his monologue with the witty non-sequitur that he alone was responsible for the 9/11 attacks. This borders on slapstick as he dances like a puppet in the middle of 12 hijackers, hundreds of financial support liaisons, his right-hand joke writer Ayman “Rhymes with hymen” al Zawahiri, and an ensemble of stage hands, producers, directors, and cast.

Bin Laden then contrasts this absurdly funny and egocentric statement by claiming that America is ebbing. What makes this gag work is America seems to actually be ebbing … they are removing some troops from Iraq due to having so few Al Qaeda personnel left to kill, the bulk of them fleeing or providing fertilizer to green zone shrubbery. Current events humor really is bin Laden’s style.

Bin Laden then takes a risk by doubling-up on that punchline, saying that America was unjust for invading Afghanistan in an attempt to kill the “only person responsible for 9/11.” I almost suffocated laughing at that one.  Perhaps that is bin Ladens new battle plan — make the West laugh itself to death.

Sadly, Al-Jazeera (who should rename their corporate brand to ‘Al Jester’) only provided exerts from the yet to be released full-length audio. Rumor has it that bin Laden has signed a recording deal with Atlantic Records, who has been the label for numerous comedians. Can we hope there will be a bin Laden Box Set for Christmas?

Bookmark to:

The Twilight Zone has firmly embraced world affairs, bucking me harder than any bronc ever did. Just yesterday I dressed-down a dictator, and today I half-heartedly defend one.

Running for third place as the planet’s top lunatic — tightly trailing Osama bin Laden and Dennis Kucinich — is the #2 turban in Al Queda, Ayman al-Zawahri. His megalomania is superseded only by Satan and Hillary Clinton, though the distinction between that last pair is blurry at best.

In Al Qaeda’s continuing defeat we see early signs of desperation. Not only have that backed-off of their campaign in Iraq, and have all but fled Afghanistan, they are now turning on their former allies. When your friends become your enemies, you have no friends left because the few that remain no longer can trust you.

Ayman (which rhymes with hymen for obvious reasons) has proclaimed Lybian madman, dictator and apparent syphilis victim Moammar Gadhafi as an enemy of Islam, and is threatening to shift the defeated Iraq chapter of Al Qaeda to battle in Tripoli. Ayman insists that Gadhafi is a puppet of Washington D.C., just as is Israel, Germany, Australia, Greenpeace and the Vienna Boys Choir. Soon al-Zawahri will believe that Vladimir Putin is George Bush’s bed buddy (my apologies for a truly horrific mental visual on that one).

Perhaps I should not post this blog entry. Napoleon said “Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.” When Al Qaeda begins to eat their own, first by killing innocent Muslims in Iraq, then by targeting fellow Muslim dictators, they are siding legs akimbo down the razor blade of self-defeat. It won’t be long before Ayman finds fault with Iran, accuses Mahmoud I-Want-Jihad of not hanging his quota of homosexuals, declares war and thus forces Iran to expel Osama himself (anyone who thinks bin Laden is spelunking in Tora Bora missed some major clues).

My only fear is that I cannot quickly enough find a way to help accelerate Al Qaeda’s suicidal process. My horse is constipated, and Ayman’s rotting flesh might make a good fertilizer substitute.

Bookmark to: