Cowboy Confessional

Let’s just hope they have learned all the positions for prayer, if you know what I mean.

On either end of an Ohio cornfield there is an evangelical church and a strip club, separated by some very nervous Amish folk.  The strip club is nothing to write home to mama about.  It is a shabby building that oddly resembles a resurrected church, though as a strip joint perhaps Beelzebub performed the resurrection rites.  The dancers have requisite Midwest belly pouch, some are decorated with tattoos, and let’s not tally the c-section scars.  The Foxhole is a place one web critic called “the shadiest, dirty skank a** hole in the wall I’ve ever been.”

But why trust the word of a Senator.

Left to their own undulations, the Foxhole might never have achieved notoriety beyond being the bottom rung in the “gentleman’s” club ladder.  Indeed, such a putrid pole parlor would never have received press unless religious zealots had not made it an issue.

Oddly, Muslims have nothing to do with this story.

Nine miles down the road from the Foxhole sits New Beginnings Ministries, which on the surface sounds like an oxymoron given how long ministries have been a business classification (just ask Saint Peter who started the industry before Christ’s corpse got cold).  New Beginnings’ pastor was unhappy about competing for spiritual real estate with an accumulation of discount and not very exotic dancers.  As the pulsating pastor pontificated “We cannot share territory with the devil.”

He hasn’t seen the falling real estate prices in Ohio.  There is plenty of cheap land for everybody.

The flock at New Beginnings began to badger the “babes” at the Foxhole.  For months the congregation has photographed the license plate numbers of Foxhole patrons and generally annoyed the workers with scripture.  They stood outside of the club, making a highly visible and entirely contrary environment to the one inside.  They shouted at the burlesque princesses, using their stage names and applying a carrot-and-stick trick, offering to pay their living expenses while reciting bible verse.  In other words, they have taken all the fun out of either being nearly naked on stage or providing one dollar incentives (there is no fun to be found in buying five dollar Budweisers).

So the bump-and-grinders counter protested at the church.

Come Sunday morning, some Foxhole peelers pop-out of their clothing and into bikinis or less, and stand outside of New Beginnings, no doubt proving a new beginning to teenage boys attending adoration services (and perhaps to some of the teenage girls).  They hold signs quoting scripture to give the pastor and parishioners some Christian enlightenment.  “Light and darkness cannot exist together, so The Fox Hole has got to go,” is the pastor’s retort.

Light and dark coexist – they just have to time share.  Like the master Ray Hubbard says, there are two kind of people – the day people and the night people, and it is the night people’s job to take the day people’s money.

The fact is that extremes have always co-existed as long as nobody thought they were perpetually right and used force to enforce their perceptions (i.e. Osama bin Laden and other porcine syphilitics).  Yin and his ugly brother yang.  For example, there is currently a strip club in Jerusalem, though historical records do not tell if there were table dancers at the Last Supper.  Extremes even blend.  I have few doubts that more than one member of New Beginnings has ventured into a bimbo bar before.  The dancers are the night people, and it is their job to take the congregation’s money.

If nothing else, this bilateral cluster clucking is an example of American freedom in action.  Woman have a right to make money given whatever ‘talent’ or assets they have.  People have the right to either peruse the performers or be dedicated to their dogma.  Everybody has the right to speak their minds regardless of how empty they may be.  Yes, everybody has the right to free commerce, free communion and free speech.

But not in the VIP room.  That always costs extra.

Bookmark to:

It appears that cultural sensitivity involves, in no small part, eradication of neurons in the brain’s left hemisphere.

Thankfully, this ailment is largely restricted to politicians and other zealots.

News recently broke about the building of a community center near Ground Zero, the central target of the 9/11 massacre. That bloodshed was executed by zealots of the muslim variety (not to be confused with Christian brand zealots, like the Florida preacher promoting ‘International Burn a Koran Day’).  The community center will have a number of amenities, including a large auditorium, fitness center and a mosque.  In simpler language, some New York locals of the Muslim faith decided to build a center of Muslim worship within eyesight of the place where Muslim zealots killed a few thousand people guilty of nothing more than showing up to work on time.

So much for cultural sensitivity.

Wikipedia claims that “cultural sensitivity” means “the quality of being aware and accepting of other cultures.”  Culture is defined as “the behaviors and beliefs characteristic of a particular … group”, in this instance, Homo Americanus.  While Americans in general, and people of tie-dye set in particular, strive to be aware and (when appropriate) respectful of other cultures, the klan behind this new mosque isn’t.  They are either such insensitive louts that their presence in polite society should evaporate faster than flesh in an inferno (you know, like a burning sky scraper), or they purposefully push envelopes to test the patience of the American public and make a statement concerning a successful assault.

It appears to be the latter.

Figure-heading the project is Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf, who believes what many potentates and terrorists do – that Islamic law (Sharia in particular) is paramount.  Mere months before this ruckus over erecting a mosque near the Twin Tower ruins, Imam Rauf said:

“Throughout my discussions with contemporary Muslim theologians, it is clear an Islamic state can be established in more than just a single form or mold. It can be established through a kingdom or a democracy. The important issue is to establish the general fundamentals of Sharia that are required to govern. It is known that there are sets of standards that are accepted by [Muslim] scholars to organize the relationships between government and the governed.”

The American theory of government works in reverse.  Government is what is governed by the people – government obeys or government gets replaced.  In order to insure this remains the case, almost every aspect of personal privilege was left to The People, including the right to shout Amen in a revival tent, utter Hebrew from under a yarmulke, or kiss a rug a five times a day (and if you want a religion incompatible with America’s traditions, then Islam is very far afield – you can’t get the average American protestant to church except on Easter and Christmas, so praying five times each day constitutes having a second job, and an unpaid one at that).    Thus the Imam’s idiocy is not only in believing any religion reflects Gawd’s thinking, but in believing that inserting one or another prophet’s poetry over American law will produce results aside from snickers and redneck retaliations.

Don’t be surprised if a contingent of pissed off Bubbas show-up for the first prayer recital at the new mosque.

Here we see at play so many oddities about American culture that even people outside of the media couldn’t count them all.  First, there is no legal way the mosque can be prevented.  The same First Amendment that guarantees your church a building permit – even if your preacher is Baptist and the church site is outside of Saint Patrick’s Cathedral – also guarantees the Idiot Imam’s horde can build a mosque despite their utter lack of cultural sensitivity over location and the obvious arson risk therein (any insurance company that covers the mosque construction project is staffed by people unfamiliar with risk assessment).  Conservatives basted Obama – what a beautiful vision that is – when he said in part that Muslims “… have the same right to practice their religion as everyone else in this country.  That includes the right to build a place of worship and a community center on private property in Lower Manhattan, in accordance with local laws and ordinances.”

In this case Obama got something right, but even a blind elephant finds his nuts once in a while.

Another aspect of the First Amendment – wherein government is prevented from preventing exercise of any religion – is the prohibition against restraining speech, a freedom people loudly exercised after the blatant display of cultural insensitivity by your imama.  Even supporters of the mosque showed up to speak, uttering inanities like “We don’t care what bigots say …” and thus demonstrating a cultural insensitivity unheard of since the irritating imam last orated.  The First Amendment also means the government can’t mess with the press, who are covering the story for all the wrong reasons, proving that there is at least one constant in the universe.

In countries with no freedom of the press, speech or religion – which oddly are primarily muslim – the debate of where the mosque should not be built is causing a few hot heads to heat up, nearly setting their collective turbans on fire.  Unable to get the average muslim to think America is any real threat to their faith (thanks to professionalism of Americans in two recent wars), Mohammad’s maniacs are using the squabble to miff other mulims.

Let’s check the fanatic scoreboard thus far:  A muslim imam instigates a ruckus through cultural insensitivity if not outright arrogance (muslims 1).  Some Americans, after spewing coffee over their morning newspapers, object to the mosque’s location (have to score that one a null).  Some allegedly sensitive Americans of the touch-feely sect call the former group ‘bigots’ (stupid people 1).  Members of the Friends of Osama use America’s public dissention to recruit their next flock of airline pilots and smoldering underpants experts (muslims 2).  Various politicians make the matter worse (stupid people 365,217) and the media eggs everybody on (stupid people … see googol).

Meanwhile Iran, the first modern Islamic theocracy, is one step closer to building nuclear weapons while Barack Obama does zilch (stupid people +1).  Guess over what issue World War III will erupt?

I don’t know where Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf is today, though ‘in hiding’ might be a good guess.  Not hiding out of shame mind you, for anyone who would even consider erecting a mosque near ground zero has none.  Yet after the uproar he has yet to admit his mistake, which means he doesn’t believe it to be one.  If after reflecting on the objections of Americans over this affront, the imam persists in the project as planned, I wouldn’t pay a nickel for the land at Park Place and Broadway.  Piles of cinders are rarely worth anything.

Bookmark to:

Who should you trust the least, a politician, a used car salesman or Satan?

(yes, I know, the differences are vague on the surface, but as always I’ll go deeper into a philosophical subject than you are otherwise prepared)

Of the three Satan is most trust worthy.  Aside from a brief cameo in Eden, Satan is what he is.  Like any garden variety redneck, you pretty much know what you are getting with Scratch.  Used car scammers are trustworthy in as much as you know where they work, and fear of baseball bat retribution keeps them more-or-less honest.

Politicians?  You can trust them as far a you can throw a used Buick.

Trust is tricky.  The odds of anyone being both honest and reliable can buckle under the superior force of human frailty.  Selfish interests get the better of everyone eventually, though most folks outgrow it.  Perpetual children (a.k.a. politicians) practice deceit to get what they cannot get honestly, and thus no trust of politicos can exist.  One or another statesman might well be honest, but why risk reliance when badgering, belittling and abuse are better tools for keeping them as close to conscientious as can be managed.

Of course, we can trust them not to be trustworthy.

The essence of trust revolves around the paired concepts of reliability and integrity, the latter word encompassing our mutual visions of virtue.  Not only must the object of trust be relied upon to do something, his/her/its actions must be within the scope of what we consider to be honorable, just and decent.  You can rely on Satan’s actions to be consistent, but his chewing on your bones while butt-bumping your mama likely is not within your definition of ethical behavior.

A politician would commit the same heinous acts, but would first promise not to.

Over the last four and a half million years of human evolution, people have devised various ways of enforcing trust.  In civilized societies and San Francisco, the process is normally left to the tort courts, where people debate which person lacked either integrity or reliability in modes of contract.  This occurs between former business partners and former spouses, though the latter source provides more scandalous amusement (“Your honor, she asked me to do her sister.  Honestly!”)  It occasionally occurs between citizens and their government though appealing to the government (i.e., the courts) with claims of violation of trust by the government (i.e., legislative or executive branches) is a stacked deck.

Bazookas work better, though tar and feather are not completely out of vogue.

People also enforce trust without the benefit of intermediaries like courts.  Despite being illegal, dueling is not unheard of in the modern South, though gentlemanly demands for satisfaction have largely fallen to more common protocols.  Nationally, wives have been known to bobbit unfaithful husbands, lawyers are occasionally used for target practice, and discourtesies often enough encourage corrective reaction from flying fists.  For most people civil discourse or social outcasting is sufficient.  Every breech of trust can be corrected in small and large ways (such as changing a former boyfriend’s online dating profile password to ‘dumbass’).

Politicians and judges are another matter.  Having been granted temporary power, they have means for justifying their deceptions.  Combined they can eradicate the most fundamental form of trust between the people and their government: The Constitution.  Such great power requires those elected and appointed to be trustworthy, to have and maintain reliability and integrity.  This is reflected through adherence to the express written will of the people in their constitution.  Yet over the decades of American existence, judges redefined The People’s will and politicians found ways of further violating public trust.

Hell, we’d be better off with Satan sitting on the Supreme Court than Sotomayor.

This brings us to the disquieting direction in which America is heading.  When people can compromise, or at worst have an allegedly disinterested third party mediate, then trust can be enforced without assault or onslaught.  If you can talk-down a drunken bully, the two of you might well knock back a beer once mutual tension subsides.  Trying to settle with Satan just means you are his next penile piñata.  Such is the nature of man and government.  When government behaves with integrity – when it obeys – then trust reigns, or at least the judicial branch will enforce the trust.  When Uncle Sam becomes Uncle Satan and abandons integrity and reliability, then few other corrective actions are open aside from blunt trauma.

A scorned wife will never again trust a philandering husband, but frying pan therapy might keep him from doing it again.  The People are one government indiscretion away from pummeling politicians and jack-hammering judges.  I don’t advocate savagery to extract satisfaction, but I can’t say I wouldn’t crack a smile if it occurred to my congressman.  People maintain the ultimate power and direct correction would be an obvious outcome for the current state of the untrustworthy state.

Bookmark to:

America discovered how to cripple the rest of the world and make it buckle to domination.  Nuclear warheads … ineffective.  Death rays … comical.  Genotype specific viruses … puny.  America has already deployed the most devastating, fiendish, economy crushing tool to eradicate mankind.

Television.

Until today I assumed that there were none superior to the All American Couch Potato.  Having invented and for decades perfected to art of after work loafing, augmented with over eating and excessive drinking, it was a given that no nation could rival the Red, White and BoobTube.  Our leadership in idiot box inertia was perfected, from mind numbing Friday night sitcoms to powerful sedatives provided by Budweiser and Frito Lay.  Who on earth could possibly consume more electron “entertainment” the America Lard Butt?

Hong Kong, Brazil, China, India, Philippines, Italy, UAE, Columbia, Mexico, Venezuela, Vietnam, Russia, Thailand, Egypt, Lithuania, Pakistan, Romania and Singapore, that’s who.

Nielsen, the company that has recorded your TV watching habits since prenatal days, is now monitoring the rest of the inhabitable world and Svalbard (look it up).  Their data now indicates that the devil’s own television has corrupted every corner of the world with electricity, and even a few places with only hand cranked generators.  So thorough has Philo Farnsworth’s folly been – spreading like cathode ray virus – that entire swaths of Asia and Latin America are rapidly seeding their own sofas.  As your read this, roots are thrusting out of Brazilian buttocks and Hong Kong hinnies, crawling into the fabric of their recliners and cushions.  In short order these formerly fat-free regions will be lumbering into competitive positioning against Americans for personal curb weights rivaling small pickup trucks.

It is Europe we must nuke.

At the bottom of the television addiction list is a cluster of cultures that must be held suspect and in contempt, as they have not fallen for our devious device.  In close proximity are Germany, Holland, Austria, Switzerland, Norway and Belgium, who separately consume a third less televised radiation than people in The States.  They are suspiciously active, which can only mean one thing:  they are getting outdoors, staying in better shape, and thus preparing to attack.

However, until those lanky Europeans make an overt move, we will have to content ourselves with progress made in the UAE, Egypt, Pakistan and other counties that occasionally breed islamofacists.  It is a long range plan, but we can subdue them through lethargy, saturated fats and inactive life styles to induce coronary heart disease.  Take that Osama, as you sit in your Lazy Boy, chomping on your pork rinds and sucking down a cold Miller.  Die!

Bookmark to:

People are people except when they are animals.

Even Pakistani people.

I’m not going to pick on Pakistan or Pakistanis, or Polacks, or Peruvians, or Pennsylvanians (though that last group deserves scrutiny … Steelers fans often demonstrate psychotic tendencies).  Yet when a brand is violated by those who own a brand – such as when Apple iPhones flake – then some good natured rib jabbing is in order.

But please don’t jab Steve Jobs’ ribs.  You might hit the reset button on his second hand liver.

Pakistan is one of those oddball countries who think mixing religion and politics is wise, a position that survivors of the Inquisition will vigorously debate.  Thus the edicts, ethos and etiquette of the religion are codified in law and conspicuously practiced by the population. Sect dissimilarities aside, certain things are frowned upon and others are promoted.  Like every religion, Islam tends to amplify its good points and play down its lunatic preachers (seriously, there isn’t a dimes’ worth of difference between Jeremiah Wright and Ayman al Zawahiri).  Islam and Christianity share common roots, and among other things frowns upon evils like incest and lite beer.

Interesting then is the fact that Pakistanis are ape over donkey sex.

Google lets people drill into Google tracking data.  Google Trends allows any person perform interesting drill-downs, including such things as discovering that Pakistan has achieved the highest per capita search rate for “horse sex” for six years running and “child sex” for almost as long.  They are also especially interested in rape and extracting revenge from dogs that hump their legs by humping them back. And, yes, “camel sex” is also popular, though there is no indication if Pakistanis prefer one hump or two.

Drawing a cartoon of Muhammad could get you stoned in Islamabad, though not in the pleasant sense, yet searching for and consuming child rape videos are raging pastimes.

Granted, you find sheep shaggers in every country (rumor is that Scotsmen wear kilts because sheep can hear a zipper from 50 yards).  Virginia residents think every vertical male in West Virginia has intimate knowledge of the reproductive regions of a sow.  And rumors of what Kiwis do on wool farms is legendary.  Yet in a land where Islamic virtue is law, it seems that animal husbandry is a very real concept.  This is the side effect of parochial polygamist societies – the bachelors don’t have single women or even infected hookers with which to do the dirty.

And forget about boinking other men – that could cause neck pains.

Pakistan’s recreational extreme porno habit raises the question why Pakistan has not cracked down.  Being a country with an autocratic government in a state of perpetual paranoia about India, their Internet hubs have been under control and surveillance since shortly after copper wire appeared inside their borders.  It is doubtful that authorities there are unaware of Pakistani peccadilloes, though we have to concede that maybe all these unseemly searches come from Pakistani government offices (your foreign aide dollars at work).  So Pakistan is tolerating, and perhaps even endorsing dalmatian diddling, camel copulating, filly fornication and bambino boinking.

Maybe because it is sanctified by Islam.

Granted, I am no Islamic scholar.  All religions are null programs, and anybody who seriously thinks they speak for Gawd started the day by chewing through their restraints.  Yet it appears that certain sexual intersections that would put you on Texas’ death row are openly permitted in Islam.  Muhammad himself had a bride so youthful that even Brigham Young (a.k.a. Bring’em Young) blinked.  Ayatollah Khomeini, the man who turned a secular Iran into the golden palace/shower that it is today wrote that frolicking with farm animals was alright providing you killed them afterwards.  Not only does this prevent tainted meat from entering commerce, it also gets rid of the witnesses.

Unless your kid/wife was watching.

So perhaps Pakistan’s proclivities are proper.  If the state religion permits pedophilia and heavy pet petting, then perhaps the Pakistan censors who shut down access to Facebook merely saw nothing unusual when Abdul accessed ass ass and Gabir Googled goats.  Perhaps Pakistani authorities thought these were perfectly natural unnatural acts, though porking Porky is certainly a sin.

Bookmark to: