Electronic Invalidity
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America discovered how to cripple the rest of the world and make it buckle to domination. Nuclear warheads … ineffective. Death rays … comical. Genotype specific viruses … puny. America has already deployed the most devastating, fiendish, economy crushing tool to eradicate mankind.
Television.
Until today I assumed that there were none superior to the All American Couch Potato. Having invented and for decades perfected to art of after work loafing, augmented with over eating and excessive drinking, it was a given that no nation could rival the Red, White and BoobTube. Our leadership in idiot box inertia was perfected, from mind numbing Friday night sitcoms to powerful sedatives provided by Budweiser and Frito Lay. Who on earth could possibly consume more electron “entertainment” the America Lard Butt?
Hong Kong, Brazil, China, India, Philippines, Italy, UAE, Columbia, Mexico, Venezuela, Vietnam, Russia, Thailand, Egypt, Lithuania, Pakistan, Romania and Singapore, that’s who.
Nielsen, the company that has recorded your TV watching habits since prenatal days, is now monitoring the rest of the inhabitable world and Svalbard (look it up). Their data now indicates that the devil’s own television has corrupted every corner of the world with electricity, and even a few places with only hand cranked generators. So thorough has Philo Farnsworth’s folly been – spreading like cathode ray virus – that entire swaths of Asia and Latin America are rapidly seeding their own sofas. As your read this, roots are thrusting out of Brazilian buttocks and Hong Kong hinnies, crawling into the fabric of their recliners and cushions. In short order these formerly fat-free regions will be lumbering into competitive positioning against Americans for personal curb weights rivaling small pickup trucks.
It is Europe we must nuke.
At the bottom of the television addiction list is a cluster of cultures that must be held suspect and in contempt, as they have not fallen for our devious device. In close proximity are Germany, Holland, Austria, Switzerland, Norway and Belgium, who separately consume a third less televised radiation than people in The States. They are suspiciously active, which can only mean one thing: they are getting outdoors, staying in better shape, and thus preparing to attack.
However, until those lanky Europeans make an overt move, we will have to content ourselves with progress made in the UAE, Egypt, Pakistan and other counties that occasionally breed islamofacists. It is a long range plan, but we can subdue them through lethargy, saturated fats and inactive life styles to induce coronary heart disease. Take that Osama, as you sit in your Lazy Boy, chomping on your pork rinds and sucking down a cold Miller. Die!
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