Cowboy Confessional

I have encountered every conceivable form of insanity cataloged by the American Psychiatric Association. And that was just by meeting my congressman.

But I discovered a new one, which I’ll politely classify as Cheeseheaditus. If no other aspect of American culture scares the rest of the world into quivering incontinence, then this should.

There is a sports event occurring at this moment in the town of Green Bay, Wisconsin. We call the game “football”, which surely surprises the rest of the planet who have a similarly named game where the players actually use their feet.

Semantic irregularities aside, what is frightenly amazing about this particular event is that the athletes and tens of thousands of fans are in a stadium while the temperatures are two degrees below zero on the fahrenheit scale (-18 degrees for those who use the infinitely more sane centigrade scale). In other words, players and spectators alike are risking frostbite for the sake of sport and the chance to get drunk in public (hmmm, a football game where the players are intoxicated …. now that could be entertaining).

And night is falling there, meaning it is about to get really chilly.

The ball players (no, not spectators with hands in their pockets) have a small advantage. They have to expel energy and in the process raise their body temperatures, which wards off the cold. But this is little comfort to them as they slide across the frost covered field and in the process perform reverse ice sculpture on their flesh.

Wisconsin spectators also have an advantage, given that nearly 1/4 of their population is classified as obese. In a pinch, thin spectators can survive the second half of the game by eating the fat cheeseheads. In fact, this might make a good welfare food program (Memo to Congress: Since most of you would eat your own children, this is a small policy step).

The main question is if the winner of today’s game will thaw out in time to play in the Super Bowl in the balmy state of Arizona next month. If not, they could break under the temperature differential.

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