Osama bin Laden is now my favorite stand-up comedian.
Airwaves erupted yesterday concerning a new video from the Terrorist in Chief. I grabbed the transcripts and, after reading the script several times, see that Osama has a new battle plan. He’s trying to make us laugh ourselves to death.
Irony was Osama’s main motif, using obvious contradictions to spark a snicker. He opened with:
Allah, who awakened His slaves’ desire …
For a fellow who hung about with the Taliban, a troupe known for enslaving an entire nation, this was a side-splitting start his new routine. Later on Osama ribs the Bush administration, claiming about the Iraq strategy:
Bush … working with the leaders of one sect against another sect, in the belief this will quickly decide the war …
Bin laden sure hasn’t been reading the news lately, because nothing in Iraq is being decided quickly! The biggest howl of his performance may be where he creates a marriage made in Hell:
… a continuing and biased campaign Being waged against us for a long time now by your politicians and many of your writers by way of your media, especially Hollywood, for the purpose of misrepresenting Islam and its adherents to drive you away from the true religion.
Oh my Gawd! Genius. Politicians, Hollywood and the media working together? Unless there is a lot of money involved, you can’t get any one of these groups to stay civil to the other for more than a thirty second commercial break. And he capped that bit of madcap with the tried-and-true “true religion” gag. That one is such a sure-fire giggle starter, they still use it at the Vatican.
Osama slipped a bit though. A good comedian knows never to use numbers in their act. Making your audience do math depreciates comedic effect. Osama left the laugh highway when he said:
… more than a million orphans in Baghdad alone …
Bad form, and bad math. With a population of about 7,400,000, a million orphans would make about 14% of the population! That’s a bunch of homeless kids. As an audience member, his over-the-top absurdity made that joke un-funny to me. Maybe years of a dirt diet in his cave have dulled Osama’s mathematical skills. He also took a risk in offending people of one particular religion and those backing a certain presidential candidate:
Allah sent down His final Book, the magnificent Quran …
Better not tell the Mormons that! Bin Laden almost lost me when he worked new material based on current events.
… mankind Is In danger because of the global warning …
Hmmm. Al Qaeda … Al Gore. I get it, but the punch line was a bit of a stretch. However, as every great comedian does, he saved the killer line to close the show:
However, there are two solutions … The first is from our side, and it is to continue to escalate the killing and fighting against you … From your side … surrendering to Allah!
“Convert or we’ll kill you.” Hilarious! You can’t write anything funnier than that. It is verbal slapstick. I laughed so hard I almost didn’t survive the experience.
Personal note to Osama: Allah is laughing at you too, boy.