Cowboy Confessional

My local coffee shop has a gaggle of guys collectively know as the Testosterone Gang, of which I’m a founding member.  Morning java and jibes occasionally devolve into serious, intellectual discussions with deep and cosmically reverberating impact.

Today was not one of those days.

Indeed the daybreak discussion of Islamic terrorism rapidly devolved into an investigation of suicide bomber motivations, and how those could be channeled differently.  No discussion of these lunatics can be complete without one of the Testosterone Gang bringing up the “72 Virgin” motivation, which naturally sends this pack of over-aged boys into fits of adolescent humor.

However, one proposal that arose was to preempt jihadist motives by providing them with 72 virgins now.  Why want for Paradise when you can get your gals today?  The program would be based in the United States, and located somewhere close to plentiful supplies of strip bars, liquor stores, and BBQ pork restaurants (bear with me on this).   New Orleans might be a good candidate for a location, and I know they would like the federal dollars that come with it.

To claim their 72 virgins, a jihadist would have to come here to collect, and stay where the virgins are located.  After a few weeks of being pampered by these maidenheaded missies, and being subjected to taunting pleasures of booze, boobs and BBQ, the average militant would have little ambition to die and would likely call his brothers-in-arms to come and join him.  I suspect within a few months we would eliminate Islamic terrorism by eliminating Islamic terrorists (except for Osama himself who, as best as I can tell, hasn’t had a properly perky pecker for ages).  Pretty soon every Bashir would turn into garden variety Bubbas, and the problem would simply vanish.

This all seemed like a great plan, and relatively cost effective as well … until one of the Gang queried as to where we would find 72 virgins old enough to be of “service”.  With such stellar stalwarts of standards as Paris “Hummer” Hilton rapidly turning our young ladies into old prostitutes, the supply of viable virgins seems enviable.

But this should not impede our program.  America’s current immigration situation clearly shows that people will come to America and do nearly anything for a buck.  Thus, our government should initiate a Global Virgin Recruitment Program (naturally putting me in charge) and bring these young ladies hither!  Now this would be service to Allah, by taking murderous thugs out of circulation through means of his holy design.

Tags:

This entry was posted by Guy Smith on Monday, May 14th, 2007 at 9:00 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.