Cowboy Confessional

Hugo Chavez may soon join Adolph Hitler metaphysically and historically.

Dictators always let their ambition race ahead of common sense.  About the only exception is Castro who is regretably quite a chess master, and the Kim family of North Korea who accelerated public ignorance as a tool of domination. 

These notable exceptions aside, most dictators try to extend their power too quickly.  Hitler did so during war by opening two fronts and hopelessly draining his forces.  Had he paced himself we might all be goose stepping down Pennsylvania Avenue.  But old Adolph was in a hurry.  He overplayed his hand, and soon enough was pointing a pistol to his own head.  His buddy Mussolini (see portrait at right) didn’t relinquish control quite as gracefully.

Now Chavez has overplayed his hand.  After consolidating much government power in Venezuela, he needed to (eventually) get control of the media power to silence descent.  He did so by shutting down a non-government television station that was a leading voice of counterpoint to his autocracy.

Then libertad arose.

International news organizations were on hand as hordes of people began protesting, realizing that once information and dissent were restricted, there would be no hope outside of violent revolution.  They gathered in the streets and found the CNN, Fox, and BBC news cameras.  The word they kept repeating was “freedom”.  Not “we hate Chavez”, not “we want our candidate to win”, but simply that being free was more worth risking being shot by Hugo’s storm troopers.

Hugo overplayed his hand by trying to grab one of the two most precious elements of freedom before he had subdued the will of the people.  That may prove to be a catastrophic miscalculation.

And if it ends up with Chavez dangling upside down in a gas station parking lot, then justice will have been wrought and Adolph will have the company he deserves.

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Firing people is a Good Thing.  It is the institutional incarnation of DNA replication and repair.  Mutant cells are killed off in order to keep the entire organism healthy.

Two such defective cells appear to have been pruned from their hosts, and for the betterment of the body.  Despite public statements to the contrary, it appears that Disney corporation came to their Micky Mouse senses and canned Rossie O’Donnell through contract attrition.  Her recent enrolment into the rank ranks of those promoting a Grand Bush Conspiracy Theory about 9/11 and the American government being responsible for falling towers showed that she has lost her mind and Disney has regained theirs. The show from which she has been deselected, The View, cannot be saved even with her absence.  It is Hell in pure, concentrated form, viewable only by those condemned to daytime television.

The sad side effect of this is that Rossie O’Donnell may tour with Cyndi Lauper, who has had enough career setbacks that she certainly does not deserve another like this.

A second piece of defective DNA about to be exorcised from the body politic is Ward Churchill, a man who compared nearly 3,000 innocent citizens to Nazi holocaust engineers.  He’s not being fired for being an idiot, though that is cause enough.  Nor is he being surgically removed because he utters insane rambling, for that is protected by tenure.  Like the now infamous Michael Bellesiles, it appears that old Ward may have fabricated or falsified his research and plagiarized his prose.  Canning Ward (and perhaps caning him) is the preferred option of his university’s president and a faculty committee.  Even the the Privilege and Tenure Committee thinks Ward should get an unpaid year off for bad behaviour.

Societal genetic cleansing is slow, but the outcome is predictable.  Either minor tumors like O’Donnell and Churchill are removed by through internal housekeeping, or more aggressive cancers like jihadism grow out of control and require invasive surgery.  Either way, the body of humanity survives despite these diseases.

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A political punching match erupted over the weekend, initiated by an interview of Former President Jimmy Carter in which he insulted the current president.  The Bush administration retorted, claiming that Carter was becoming “increasingly irrelevant.”

I have to take the Bushies to task for this unfounded and indefensible statement.  It presupposes that Carter was at all relevant to begin with, and thus the Bush camp is clearly out of line and detached from reality.  To grant Carter acknowledgement of anything above imbecility is ludicrous.

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There are three sure signs of love. The fire in the heart, the fire in the groin, and cross-fire when the other lover is discovered.

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My local coffee shop has a gaggle of guys collectively know as the Testosterone Gang, of which I’m a founding member.  Morning java and jibes occasionally devolve into serious, intellectual discussions with deep and cosmically reverberating impact.

Today was not one of those days.

Indeed the daybreak discussion of Islamic terrorism rapidly devolved into an investigation of suicide bomber motivations, and how those could be channeled differently.  No discussion of these lunatics can be complete without one of the Testosterone Gang bringing up the “72 Virgin” motivation, which naturally sends this pack of over-aged boys into fits of adolescent humor.

However, one proposal that arose was to preempt jihadist motives by providing them with 72 virgins now.  Why want for Paradise when you can get your gals today?  The program would be based in the United States, and located somewhere close to plentiful supplies of strip bars, liquor stores, and BBQ pork restaurants (bear with me on this).   New Orleans might be a good candidate for a location, and I know they would like the federal dollars that come with it.

To claim their 72 virgins, a jihadist would have to come here to collect, and stay where the virgins are located.  After a few weeks of being pampered by these maidenheaded missies, and being subjected to taunting pleasures of booze, boobs and BBQ, the average militant would have little ambition to die and would likely call his brothers-in-arms to come and join him.  I suspect within a few months we would eliminate Islamic terrorism by eliminating Islamic terrorists (except for Osama himself who, as best as I can tell, hasn’t had a properly perky pecker for ages).  Pretty soon every Bashir would turn into garden variety Bubbas, and the problem would simply vanish.

This all seemed like a great plan, and relatively cost effective as well … until one of the Gang queried as to where we would find 72 virgins old enough to be of “service”.  With such stellar stalwarts of standards as Paris “Hummer” Hilton rapidly turning our young ladies into old prostitutes, the supply of viable virgins seems enviable.

But this should not impede our program.  America’s current immigration situation clearly shows that people will come to America and do nearly anything for a buck.  Thus, our government should initiate a Global Virgin Recruitment Program (naturally putting me in charge) and bring these young ladies hither!  Now this would be service to Allah, by taking murderous thugs out of circulation through means of his holy design.

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